DO IT YOURSELF HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used         
    men's size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a few         
    copies of "Guns & Ammo" Magazine.

3. Put a few gigantic dog dishes next to the boots and       
    and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, and I went out for more ammo and beer.  Be back in about an hour.

Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside 'til we get there.  Be right back.

Cooter