Office Christmas Party (must read)

From:     Patty Lewis, Human Reources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    October 1, 2010
RE:       Gala Christmas Party


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take  
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room  
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to  
sing along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as  
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of  
gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift  
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's  
pockets.  This gathering is only for employees!  Our CEO will make a  
special announcement at that time!


Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo


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FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    October 2, 2010
RE:       Gala Holiday Party


In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish  
employees.  We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday,  
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this  
year.  However, from now on,  we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians  
and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.  There will be no  
Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have  
other types of music for your enjoyment.


Happy now?


Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo


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FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees
DATE:   October 3, 2010
RE:         Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous  
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.  I'm  
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table  
that  reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I  
supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed  
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the  
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.


REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.




Company Memo


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FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:        All Employees
DATE:   October 4, 2010
RE:        Generic Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins  
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking  
during daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can  
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate  
our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off  
on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package  
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will  
that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit  
farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the  
table closest to the restrooms.


Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit  
with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks  
that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns  
about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used  
in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood  
pressure taste a bite first..
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but  
the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty




Company Memo


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FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All F*%^ing Employees
DATE:    October  5, 2010
RE:         The F*%^ing Holiday Party


I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We're going to keep this  
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit  
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so  
quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including  
organic tomatoes.  But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They  
scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing  
them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have  
a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!




Company Memo


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FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:   October  6, 2010
RE:        Patty Lewis and Holiday Party


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy  
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party  
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.


Happy Holidays!
Joan